Toilets; they look so innocent and yet....

What is it with toilets?

How come is it that when we’re told so often that things like handguns, knives, matches, fireworks and god knows how many other items should be kept away from children on the grounds that they’re dangerous (the items, presumably, not the kids) nobody warns adults about the dangers of toilets and bathrooms?

Poo thrower

I woke up this morning to find myself staring at a story about an unfortunate date which was spreading across the internet like wildfire. A female student at Bristol university went on a date with a fellow student, who we can call Liam. After a meal out on the town, the couple headed to Liam’s home to chill out. Things were apparently going quite well until she went to the bathroom and, having had a poo, discovered the toilet wouldn’t flush. Horrified at the idea of leaving a floater, she fished out the offending poo, wrapped it in loo paper and threw it out the window, evidently thinking her date would ever notice a tissue-wrapper turd in the garden.

Sadly, the woman’s aim was a little weak and the poo didn’t make it to the outside world. Instead, it fell down between two non-opening windows, out of reach but in plain sight.

At this point, the lady was forced to go and tell her date what she’d done. Liam decided the best course of action would be to smash the window but his date thought otherwise. Being a supple gymnast, she decided she could climb part-way out of the window and retrieve it herself. Sure enough, she squeezed half-way out of the window, reached down into the space between the two frames, grabbed the offending item, bagged it up and passed back to her date, who presumably returned it to its rightful place.

woman stuck in window trying to retrieve poo
Woman stuck in window trying to retrieve poo

However, the lady was now stuck and unable to extricate herself. Reluctantly, Liam called the fire brigade, who managed to stop laughing long enough to smash the window and free her.

Liam didn’t come out of it too badly, easily recouping the cost of replacing the window via a crowdfunding appeal, but we’re hoping he also pays someone to make sure his toilet flushes properly before embarking on any future dates.


Another window, another blockage

Sean Cranshaw, a 47-year old burglar from Manchester, recently discovered that toilet windows are best avoided, no matter how desperate you are. The unfortunate thief tried to burgle the house while the homeowner was out shopping. Spotting an open window about 15 foot off the floor, the would-be burglar shinned up the wall and tried to squeeze through the window.

burglar trapped in toilet window
Sean Cranshaw, a 47-year old burglar from Manchester

Returning from his shopping trip some time later, the homeowner was a little surprised to see the would-be thief kneeling on the first floor windowsill with his head firmly stuck inside the window. Instead of helping to free the burglar’s head with a nearby hammer or spare brick, the homeowner called the police, who were more than happy to take the offending man away after taking a few photos for their Youtube account. Cranshaw was subsequently sentenced to two years and five months at Manchester Crown Court.

Toilet seat belts?

There are undeniably times when stomach upsets can make you wish your toilet was fitted with a seat belt, but the truth is that few of us genuinely need one. Unless you step into a portable loo in Cornwall, of course.

Looking around the area shortly before the opening of the Newlyn Fish Festival in Cornwall and feeling the urge, a lady stepped into one of the nice and shiny portaloos provided by the festival organisers. Thankfully, she locked the door. Shortly after sitting down, a forklift truck arrived, picked up the portaloo and transported it to another location. Despite being driven across town without a seatbelt, the lady was eventually able to exit the loo without injury.

Mark Kempthorne, director of toilet provider Andyloos, said it was not the first time a forklift driver had picked up a toilet with somebody inside. He said it was an easy mistake to make as forklift drivers always “go in through the back entrance”. He said: “It does happen quite a bit to be honest – I’ve done it a few times.”


Stuck to the toilet

When Kory McFarren, from Ness County in Kansas, called police to tell them there was something wrong with his girlfriend. He told authorities that his girlfriend Pam Babcock, 35, feared leaving the bathroom and may not have left it in two years, although said he was unsure exactly how long she had been in there. He said that he took her food and water daily, and that he repeatedly asked her to come out but that she usually replied “maybe tomorrow.”

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said that Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh as if she was using the toilet. Her legs looked like they had atrophied. “She was sitting on the toilet and was somewhat disoriented,” Whipple said. “She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave.”

Babcock initially refused medical help but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out. At this point, the medical team realised that she was physically stuck to the toilet. Her skin and body fat had attached itself to the toilet seat.

“It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself” Whipple admitted. The toilet seat had to be removed from the toilet with a prybar, and Ms Babcock was taken to the Regional Medical Center in Wichita, where the toilet seat was removed by doctors.

Kory McFarren was subsequently charged with mistreatment of a dependent adult, although he doesn’t understand what he did wrong. “The only thing I am guilty of is I didn’t get her help sooner,” McFarren was quoted as saying.

Doctors at a Wichita hospital where Babcock was taken told McFarren that an infection in her legs had damaged her nerves and could leave her in a wheelchair.


Put the toilet seat down

If you are a male and you share a bathroom with a female, you’ll have been told more than a few times to remember to put the seat down. Instead of asking why women are incapable of putting it down themselves, we’ll let the video below illustrate just how important it is, and what can happen to your loved ones if you forget to put the seat down.

The video is a clip from the TV series “Untold Stories of the ER” and features a woman whose husband forgot to put the toilet seat down and who found herself trapped in the toilet for 18 hours…

We’re going to stop here. There are countless verifiable horror stories to be found online relating to toilets, toilet seats and other less hygenic topics, but we figure you’ve gotten the message by now.

Toilets are dangerous places, so think twice before entering. If you really insist on throwing poo out of the window, be sure you can see where it is likely to land. If you want to read a newspaper whilst sitting on the loo, go ahead, but don’t take War and Peace in there with you. You might never live it down.

The Snail

My real name's David but hundreds of people know me by my nickname 'snail', which was given to me when I was at school and walked the 100 metre sprint because I was sulking about something. I forget what. The name stuck, thanks to friends who couldn't catch me in a sprint unless they were on a horse. I kinda like it.

I was always a Labour supporter, despite the Blair and Mandy slime twins, but the rebirth of militant tendency as momentum is a step too far for me, and their eagerness to overrule the Brexit vote is plain anti-democratic. I didn't vote, but if I had, I would have voted to leave.